Sometimes I wake up...

 I don’t feel great,
I feel insecure and worthless,
and I can’t bring myself to put on a brave face,
and act like everything’s okay,
Because I’m not okay…

I have this deep, dark, sinking feeling that I know,
I’m going to have to live with for the next few days.

All the hard work you put into building and loving yourself -
 so quickly replaced, by self loathing, bitter, hate.

Why does my brain have to work this way?
 I so badly wish it would go away,
so I distract myself by laying in bed
and watching pointless videos all day,

But soon enough reality catches up with me,
the guilt kicks in
 and I’m left with overwhelming shame,

 I struggle to live with myself knowing that my entire day
just went to waste.

and I repeat this endless cycle again and again.

I know it’s just a phase,
and that I’ll have better days,

 but right now I’m struggling,
and it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna change.
at least not anytime soon.

And I’m confused,
as to why I get these sudden drops in my mood,
I don’t know what to do to fix these everyday blues?
all I know is that it consumes,
every inch of me,
my mind,
soul,
body.

I just need a quick release,
something to set me free,
from this heartache and misery.

But right now all I can do is live with it ,
and feel everything there is to feel,
no matter how much it hurts and destroys me.

I know that it’s through feeling pain
that we can finally heal.

But sometimes I feel like I just want a break,
 I don’t want to go outside and deal with people
and put makeup on my face,
I want to hide,
I want to be invisible,
I want to escape
I want to go anywhere,
anywhere but this place.
Somewhere far far away
where no one knows my name.

But the reality is it doesn’t matter where I go
because the problem isn’t where I am,
it’s my brain…

sometimes it becomes too much
and it feels like it’s filled with an overwhelming amount of hate
and I don’t feel strong enough to deal with everything it has to say,
the way it makes me feel and think,
It drives me insane.

And I get tired of fighting it,
it’s exhausting trying to be positive all the time,
 It’s like fighting an endless battle
that’s becoming harder and harder…

and to say I can deal with it… is a lie.

Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough
It’s like no matter how much I push myself,
 how much I do the right things
my mind is always going to win,
and I fear that one day I’m going succumb to it and I’m going to give in.

I’m going to surrender to the pain and just exist.

It sucks because I felt like I was doing so good,
I was just starting to feel like I had everything under control
and now I’m back to square one,
starting at rock bottom,
learning again how to crawl.

And I can’t help but think, that’s it’s all gonna happen again,
that it’s only a matter of time Until I next fall.