Writing and Woes

I wish that I could talk to you, and beg you not to go. I wish I asked what you were going through, but now I'll never know. I wish I’d said goodbye or told you that I care, You must have felt all alone, desperate, hurt, and scared. I wish I could go back in time; try to ease your pain, I would dry all your tears, when they fell like rain. I wish that I had some warning of what you'd do that night, I wish you'd given me a chance to save you, to help you make things right. It must have been a place so dark ,without any light, Yet I'm still here, I feel your pain , crying to sleep at night. I wish that the last time I saw you I didn't rush away. I wish that I had hugged you harder, and told you I loved you that day. I know I can't blame it on you, But,what else am I supposed to do? Why did you do it? Why did you have to die? We could have talked it over... Made it all alright. I wish that you could...

You come to me crying, saying that you are done, That life is pointless; that you shouldn't have one. But everyone here needs you to stay. So, I'm crying, I'm shaking, please don't go away. I know what it's like, I've been through it all, So hang on tight, I’ll never let you fall. Reach for my hand, 'cause it's held out for you. My shoulders are small, but you can cry on them too.

Two of my friends said this month, That they can't take anymore of life, And they are considering having no more. Just an end to everything, To stop thinking as they are. It has taken it's toll, I am hurting ,but they   can never know, 5 times today I stopped for a second, My eyes were close to giving in, But I know the moment I do,   I know I won't stop. So I am trying to hold it in. But for my two friends, I am the person that is always around,   I need to be... I will always take the burden for them, Any day and any time.

This anxiety of mine is not so kind, So ,I play the music loud to black out my mind. When it rises, I try to run in fear, my mind rolls up into a ball; I begin to disappear. My body ignites with fire as I begin to get hot, I need to get out ,before I lose the plot. The   jittery fingers strike, and the sweaty palms; numbness spreads to my hands, my feet and my arms. Limb by limb I crumble down, and begin to spiral into the ground. Away from light, away from sound My surroundings flip and spin around. It grabs me roughly around the neck, Clings real tight and blocks my breath. I   can barely move and barely breathe, and begin sob, scream and heave. I feel a level of fear I can’t describe, I truly believe I’m going to die. You gradually help me regain my air, Then it’s over and we sit and stare. The slightest thought will bring it back but I can’t take another panic attack. It's a constant worry another will strike. and I think ...

'The synopsis looked good, the cover looked nice, I opened my book and began my new life.' I found my new home! and met some new friends and I kept on reading, hoping it would never end. Then I danced through the pages , sang out all the words, I felt all their joy,  all their pain and their hurt, The pages may cut my fingers, but the words cut my heart. It's like the author has a knife, and is determined to tear my soul apart. Then,the book reached it's end, and I told people my heart couldn't heal. But ,then I suddenly realised that, It was never even real?

As the clock ticked eight, And we were beginning to wait, It didn't take long to realise they were going to be late. We sped off to get them , but they'd done the same The whole thing became part of a funny cat and mouse game. We sorted everything out and started to drive , Whilst I discussed our chances of staying alive.  Caitlan did her makeup then we messed with our phones , Whilst my mum educated dad on the cast of game of thrones. It didn't take long before we were there, We found the right queue and stood in the air.  We got given our wrist bands;headed to the hall Where cosplayers and nerds were already having a ball. We went round the stalls , spent all that we had; And got pictures with cosplayers,there was no time to be sad . With decisions on posters, that should have been simple, Lonnie and Caitlan went loopy and started to giggle We headed upstairs, where the books were awaiting, We sat down for lunch ,without much debati...

The thoughts hit me most at night,  and that's when I write. Sometimes i'll be so full of emotion , that I'll just start to cry, But,yet again I don't know why. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, This is not who I want to be.  So I guess I'll create a façade and say I'm doing fine, Then i'll go on my computer and start typing these lines.

'It's not that I don't want to be happy , it's that , despite my best efforts, I can't bring myself to be happy.' I feel trapped in my mind,embarrassed and ashamed, but why did I have to feel this way? I have a family, friends and good results, therefore I must be okay? Yet all I ever seem to feel is sadness and grey. People will tell me to try sport: go for a walk, listen to meditations. If only this could be solved by some talking therapy and medication. But this is a disease that affects every aspect of my life- my friendships,my family and my education. And it never seems to be solved , so I'm left with frustration. My therapist will say, so why are you sad? Well , if I knew the answer to that ,maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. All I know is I wake everyday feeling like shit, This is my norm now , I've lost my spirit. But, where is the fairness of it all? People tell me you chose how you feel, like I enjoy ...