Writing and Woes

I think it’s safe to say 2017 has been one the most turbulent, change-filled and character building years of my life. If you want an example of this, just take the fact that in the space of about 5 months I went from doing my exams, to leaving school, to starting university and moving out of my home- then leaving university, moving home again, and finally getting a full time job .It was all chaos and I barely had time to think about what was actually going on. But I’ve actually loved this year despite all the drama, and the stress. I managed to pass my driving test and get AABB in my A-level results, as well as get offers from all my universities and get the all the jobs I applied for being home.  I am proud of all I have achieved this year. My success has empowered me, giving me a little more, much needed, self-belief that I can do and be anything if I try hard enough. Moreover, I have met some incredible new people –from my fantastic flatmates at university who kept me on m

In general, I think university has become so over-hyped that when people get there it can’t help but be different to expectations. Often , uni is described as the “best time of your life”- and for many people it is . For many, it’s a time where you get to meet lots of new people , have endless fun and drunken antics with flatmates, and when you get to pursue a degree or career you love , and have endless freedom. But this ignores how there is also an increasing proportion of people who do not get to enjoy this university experience. People which academic pressure, isolation, homesickness, depression and suicide all affect every year in the thousands…  These people are part of “the dark side of university” – a side that often goes unspoken about. That was until recently – in programs such as the BBC’s Death on campus: our story. This was a 30 minute program exploring the events that led up to 3 students at university taking their own lives. The program reminded viewers of the s

I’m usually pretty good at putting on a mask, I mean I do it all the time, if anyone ever suspects something’s wrong, I shut them off with ‘I’m fine’. But today I was really struggling, and I couldn’t find it within myself to force another smile.  It’s exhausting to keep up with this persona and I don’t want to live in denial. But knowing that wasn’t an option I braced myself for another day.  Feeling myself getting agitated, I just hoped the feelings would go away. But everything was going wrong, I could feel myself about to burst. Emotions rushing to the surface, preparing myself for the worst. Now my walls were finally crumbling down, and I had a lump in my throat, whilst my eyes were tearing up and I clenched on to my coat. I knew that this was the final straw, that I’d finally had enough, enough of lots of things , but in particular, of constantly acting tough. I’d been pretending too long,  and this mask had to go, so I simply sat down

I made the decision to leave my university course – and not being able to change courses so late in the year then meant leaving the university and my flat until next year. And this was all damn hard .My life has been full of turbulent change since September, and just when I felt settled again I had to rip it all out from under me . I've been left with debts to pay, had to find a new job, and adjust to being back home.  But , things could still be worse . I’ve got my health, a supportive family and even more supportive friends. And I don’t regret one second at university – even with all the flat drama and the course- as there’s still so much I’ve learnt these past couple of months. And sometimes in life you’ve got to weigh up what is most important to you. It was nearly a year ago now that I choose to do this course . It all happened because I was told that I needed to do a degree with an “actual job” at the end of it, not a useless one.I choose a degree that was career ori

I can’t say I’ve eaten well , Or that I’ve had much sleep , But I can tick yes to Movie Nights , and chasing rabbits down the street. We’ve been to the Insane Tuesdays … and drank until we were numb, Though I can’t say that my first time throwing up, (((especially on my carpet))) was very much fun. Now with letters to maintenance? we’ve been there, done that, and  I honestly now think, Mark will be glad to see the back of this flat. The bowling was banter, and I’ll just ignore that I came last, because my amazing crab-walking down the corridor, proved that I can be fast. I loved the High School musical dance parties and playing Mario Kart and I should probably say thank you ,  because it's not going to be easy for me to part…

Wash your dishes It’s not that hard You weren’t born in a barn, or a stable, or a yard. The sink is too small to have dishes build up It’s not that complicated for you to wash one small cup. Your flatmates aren’t your servants, or your keepers, or your mothers, And those who wash their own things Needn’t worry about others.

There is a girl In the front of my class Who I swear I've never seen do anything but laugh. She's tall and she's smart, Beautiful and strong, And when someone else is down She tries to fix what is wrong. … Now there is a girl In the front of my class Who's so sad that you find it rare To see her smile or laugh. Her friends tells her jokes , Like that one with the guy.... But all she does is close her eyes And enter her mind. … Yesterday there was a girl In the front of my class  Who took a breath that was to be her last... ....  She wrote a few notes Saying I'm sorry I didn't say, But my mind was messed up,  You couldn't save me anyway... 

My name is Miss Allen,   and I have Generalised Anxiety and Depression.   Phew !   Now   that's over   ,let's   get onto other things... Like how you'll have to   tell me to shut up a lot because I tend to like to sing ( badly lmao).   But I love most genres of music-   and I'll even take requests,   Though my favourites are definitely 80's songs,   and almost certainly Les Mis. Also ,   I   love to read - mostly all teen fiction. And when it comes to   all things Harry Potter,   I have the slightest addiction.   But ,   I don't stop at reading, as I also love to write,   it's usually my feelings into an awful poem ( such as this), and often late at night. With films, I love   Marvel ,   and even the odd DC   then sometimes I'll watch a chick   flick ,   or even a comedy.   Yet it's Book- to- film adaptions, that often get my votes, But these days what I've noticed is,   I just watch whatever film floats my boat.   Disney is something

05/09/2017 Today I woke up and I felt good, really happy, in fact. This kind of fulfilling happiness is so rare these days that it took me completely by surprise. This is not to say that I am unhappy everyday. But just that usually, even when I’m having “fun” , I am usually still  slightly anxious , sad , or distracted. I am hardly ever enveloped in an unconditional happiness and having an appreciation for life. So today’s post (for once ) , is a happy one. On the way to the Harry Potter studio’s I took the time to reflect on all the things I am thankful and happy about. Then , maybe on bad days , you guys, just like me can remember just how good we already have things J So , 15 things I am thankful for .....   1.      My Health 2.     My loving parents and the rest of my family 3.     Having money ,financial security and a home 4.     Having a group of (mostly great ) friends 5.     Having had an Education 6.     Feeling safe and secure 7.     Being able to drink cl

Today is results day... Today is the day where I discover my long-awaited fate. Am I going to fail and regret every decision I’ve ever made? or am I going to pass , in which case I’m destined to be okay, or at least that’s what people say.   That’s on the condition that I go on to do well at the next stage Yet why must my life be a continuous series of tests and games? I’ve been absolutely dreading this day,   I can feel my heart beating out of my chest just pleading for this moment to go away.   Knowing that people are going to ask me what I’ve got is something I cannot face.   The pressure to do well hangs over me like a dead weight. What will people say? What if I’m the only one who fails and everyone else does great? It seems that we’re put under so much pressure at a young age   Expected to know what we want to do with our lives, make the right choices, get the best grades.   And expected to somehow, come out of it all okay. We’re not encouraged to figure o

“ Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there's only today. The truth is, you never really know.” ― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall What would you do if today was your last day? Would you be happy with how you spent it if it was to be your last? We constantly assume that we will have another day. But each day is a gift, and one that some people do not get. With the increased suffering and pain of people in the world, I find it hard to simply take for granted, and wish away , the gift of another day that I have been given. I wish to be caught up in the moment of the present; not constantly spending my time in the memories of the past. If I didn’t get a second attempt tomorrow, I want to make sure that I made every second c

Our last day is finally here, And so now ends our Final Year. We'll always remember, the friends we hold dear, But can now look to the future without any fear. It’s the day we’ve been preparing   for, Since   we walked through the   door. But, now it's finally time to say our good-byes. So, today, shed a tear and share a smile, But, be sure to remember all the while, That although it may   be time to pack up and move on, Today's memories will last our whole lives long.

I keep preaching to work hard and follow your dreams, yet my mindset has been the complete opposite lately.   I’m sitting around in idleness, achieving absolutely nothing,   thinking to myself, what’s happening to me? It’s like I’m purposely choosing to trap myself in this cage,  and if I fail?   I’ll only have myself to blame. I can’t bring myself to do anything when I’m in this state, So when I preach to others,I feel so fake. I’ve gotten used to this feeling, I’ve become comfortable, I’ve lost count of the days, It’s all become one long stream of consciousness   where everyday feels the same. No routine, no stability - lately, there hasn’t even been a plan A. Just sleeping, doing nothing and wasting the time away. I’ve become the person I hate.   Feeling all sense of hopelessness,   constantly making the same mistakes again, and again, and again. My mind has gone blank, I've lost ambition,   and it just becomes harder and harder to feel inspired, I guess I c

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, It is because we are different that each of us is special. Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important, Only you know what is best for you. Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart Cling to that as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless. Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life. Don’t give up when you still have something to give Nothing is really over … until the moment you stop trying. Don’t be afraid to encounter risks, It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Don’t dismiss your Dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope. To be without hope is to be without purpose. Don’t run through life so fast that you forget where you’ve been, But also know where you’re going.

There is inside you All of the potential To be whatever you want to be; All of the energy To do whatever you want to do. Imagine yourself as you would like to be, Doing what you want to do, And each day, take one step Towards your dream. And though at times it may seem too difficult to continue, Hold on to your dream. One morning you will awake to find That you are the person you dreamed of, Doing what you wanted to do, Simply because you had the courage To believe in your potential And to hold on to your dream.

Let me guess, the world’s not fair and it’s against you, Go on then, give up like you always do, mope around feeling sorry for yourself, What’s the matter? Can’t handle the truth? Would you like me to sugar coat it for you? Tell you that everything’s going to be fine   and come up with some easy excuse? Well I’m not going to,   Because life’s not easy and you’re not a fool. You keep acting like the victim, Constantly saying how things aren’t going your way when, the choice has always been right there in front of you. You’ve got the tools, A working brain, a functioning body   So get a grip and stop acting like you haven’t got a clue Yes, “Life’s not fair”, and things aren’t always going to go your way, tell me something new. I hate to break it to you, but the world isn’t gonna be laid out nicely in front of you.   The biggest mistake is believing that you don’t have control over your life, That it’s not a choice, when that couldn’t be further from the truth,  

How are you? Three simple words. Infinite answers. What answer do you wish to hear today? Do you   want to hear about my pain, the heaviness, thoughts and fears that I keep? Do you   wish to know about my web of secrets and lies that are tearing me apart inside? What about the self-harm or the suicidal thoughts? Do you want to know how alone I feel and how many nights I have cried myself to sleep this week? And do you want to know for   you , to help   me , or to simply have something to   talk about at  your next meal? Think carefully. Don’t want to know? No,   I didn't think so. So I guess I'm   fine   thank you, how are you?