Writing and Woes

 I don’t feel great, I feel insecure and worthless, and I can’t bring myself to put on a brave face, and act like everything’s okay, Because I’m not okay… I have this deep, dark, sinking feeling that I know, I’m going to have to live with for the next few days. All the hard work you put into building and loving yourself -  so quickly replaced, by self loathing, bitter, hate. Why does my brain have to work this way?  I so badly wish it would go away, so I distract myself by laying in bed and watching pointless videos all day, But soon enough reality catches up with me, the guilt kicks in  and I’m left with overwhelming shame,  I struggle to live with myself knowing that my entire day just went to waste. and I repeat this endless cycle again and again. I know it’s just a phase, and that I’ll have better days,  but right now I’m struggling, and it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna change. at least not anytime soon. And I’m confused, as to why I get these sudden drops in my mood,

Thank you lilac room, you've served me well, I'm sorry for all the nail polish and tea I've spilled, You've seen my secrets, my fears, my best friends, my tears, My loves and lost encased within your walls A little girl grew up in here, But she's far too grown up to live here anymore. If I'm honest, my posters won hands down, I even miss my lilac rug and dressing gown. Flower stickers, books and toys, cringey notes to year 6 boys, now a can of paint is sitting on the floor A little girl grew up in here, she's far too grown up to live here anymore. So here we are, the final goodbye, I've got the leave the nest, but I'm not sure how to fly. Thank you room, you'll always be my warmest place,  a home to me, Turn off the lights and finally close the door. A little girl grew up in here, She's far too grown up to live here anymore. 

Where do I go? When I'm feeling lost, but don't want to be found. and how do I keep going, how do I fight this fight? I’m always beat down.But still try with all my might. Where do I go when my head hangs low? Please give me an answer because I just don't know.

It's pretty obvious  that I am insecure - in a thousand different ways - about  my looks, my abilities and personality. And I spend most of my time concerned about how people see me. I think, I'm paranoid that people see the same person that I see in the mirror. That when their looks linger for slightly too long , they see the same things as I do. They notice that my eyes are too far apart. That my eyeliner flicks aren't even. That's my eyebrows aren't very dark ,and don't grow at the end. That my nose is too big and my lips too thin. That I've got bags under my eyes from stress and lack of sleep. That my hair is style-less and an awful colour. In my head ,people notice EVERYTHING. Now, realistically, I should know that people have much more important things to be doing then measuring the length of my eyeliner, so why does it all still matter to me so much? Why do I paint on my makeup EVERYDAY; chose my outfits that will fit in with everyone else