Writing and Woes

With 2018 coming to an end, and having just re-booted this blog to update friends and family, I’ve taken a short opportunity to look back on everything I’ve achieved and done. Firstly, I’ve managed to spend a year in, and save money within a job working 40 hour weeks. And ,despite retail not being how I expected life to go , I’ve had laughs within my job and met some lifelong friends there -including a boyfriend of 8 months . I’ve adventured to Disney Land Paris, Malta, Champneys Health Spa, Brighton , London (Multiple times) , Worcester and Nottingham. I’ve been on nights out, celebrated 20 th Birthdays with friends, as well as James’s Graduation. I’ve seen 70 films, 46 of which were at the cinema, and read 12 books.  I’ve been to the Royal Albert Hall to see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets- as well as Hairspray, Legally Blonde, Shrek the Musical, War Horse and Nativity at the theatre ; tribute acts for queen and Adele. I’ve been finally making my way around touris...

It’s been so long since my fingers stretched and yearned for the gentle clicking of the keyboard. Now I have chosen to be back online, with my thoughts unwinding onto the internet, trying to find a home in my own corner of the internet. When I first decided to post on here I was searching for an outlet for my mental health issues -a way of finding closure on my past. I wanted a way of telling people how I felt without having to actually tell them. U ltimately, this blog helped me understand myself and work out where I wanted to go  next,  whilst developing my own passion for writing. So , reaching the end of 2018 I have added some of my writings from this year in the hopes it means something to someone one.   Hope you have had a good year x

Old habits die hard, So roll a dice , and lay down a card And neck your drink, pour a shot, drink until alls forgot. Could grab my fags light em up or add some ket into my cup Might as well get all the drugs because any will do numb my pain For an hour or two. I’ll grab the takeaway, Stuff my gob More and more that’ll do the job.

When people ask you “what are you doing with your life?” You say .. “umm, I’m just going with the flow” Which is basically code for.. “yeah, I don’t really know”. You’re supposed to have everything figured out right?  You’re supposed to just know who you are? But you can’t help but look around and think mate,  I don’t even know where to start. You go from being a carefree child,  to a life full of responsibility, Decisions now have consequences and you’re sat there, questioning your abilitys. You’re expected to have a five year plan - house, kids, car, Yet you’re still standing at the starting pointing feeling like you’re not going to make it very far.

I looked for inspiration for this online, researched poems about friendship, looked at ones that rhymed. You see, I wanted this to be good, I wanted this one to matter. These words I wish you to read, After seeing your faces, hearing your laughter and chatter. It’s been months since we’ve all been together, And I didn’t know how It would be, would it be awkward,stilted,would the experience be crappy? But I don’t know what I was worried about , we all fit together as one, tonight was nothing but warm ,sparkling and fun.

I wish I could always lay down beside you when my day is done, and forever wake up to your face in the morning sun. Sat in a beautiful home, surrounded by children, and probably dogs, financially secure, Happy, loved and in well-paid jobs. Yet our opportunity for that seems so far away, and our conversations about the future nothing but child’s play.

A head pops up and fades away , I sit here wondering what you were going to say, are you finally going to confirm it , what I’ve been told, that you actually like me , and I’ve been nothing but cold. I guess I’ve been avoiding it , the elephant in the room, afraid that to bring it up , that it would bring our friendships doom. So ,you go first and I’ll reveal the rest, I know it’s akwkward and scary and we both feel stressed. It’s already 3am, this will probably take all night. but it’s important to think about what to say gotta get my words right. You’ve become so important to me, there’s not been a day we haven’t talked, I’ve never cared for boys before, but with you I’ve hesitated and thought, just for a couple of seconds a day, could this work , could we be okay? You see, With you everything is easy, conversation’s never been a challenge, you make me smile from ear to ear, we just seem to simply just, ...

I love the way you laugh out loud The way you make me smile The way you're not afraid to hold my hand, if only for a while I love the way you look at me And the way you always care The way you look me in the eyes And sometimes even stare I love the way you give me hugs That sometimes last forever But think you should believe in yourself more, because you are actually really clever. I love the way you understand me completely, And even though it sounds really cheesy, the way you complete me.

I’m scared to commit and give you my heart Because everyone’s always told me, love tears it apart, Yet, should that mean that we don’t try? Life’s too short to let chances go by.