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What happened in March:

I don’t care anymore, and I care too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m just finding it hard to see the point of being here. I’m trying to sort through my thoughts but I am so so tired of everything.

I feel trapped and I can’t breathe. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell people that I’m not fine, that I haven’t been fine for a while; that I don’t think I will be fine again.

I drink to just relieve anxiety, to give me time to sleep. But maybe that’s an excuse because I don’t sleep anymore either, maybe it’s just that alcohol is good at blocking out the constant emptiness.

I don’t care about my future – university or not, it all seems pointless –I don’t even know if I’m going to make it that long? I’ve just lost all motivation and hope – I simply don’t fucking care.

I just feel so worthless and alone. And there is only one option that makes any sense to me at the moment. One option that would make the pain stop.Nobody would even care. __________________________________________________________________
The night after this I tried to overdose.Then the next day I felt ashamed and embarrassed about what had happened that I let things get this far. 
__________________________________________________________________

When you’ve survived with depression and anxiety for a while it can get pretty exhausting. There comes a point where you truly wonder if you’ll ever get better. You begin to think that the best you can ever hope for is just being “okay”- if even that.

Some days it gets too much.You begin to think that your thoughts, losses and past experiences are all that you are and will ever be. You are so submersed in your own head that you simply cannot believe things can get better.

I am so sick of simply surviving- of living day by day with no purpose and no hope , living for the sake of it.I'm so sick of the self-pity.There’s got to be more to life than that.

From now on I'm trying again to take back control.I’m making better life decisions, cutting people out, and fighting back.

My mental illness is a part of me- but it is not all I am. Events in my past will not define my future if I don’t want to let them. I want to get better and I believe I can -that in itself is more than last week.

I am encouraging anybody else with a mental illness, or who is going through a struggle, who has been told one too many times that they are not good enough,to find the good in your life, focus on it ;keep going , rise up and fight back with me.

And I hope that you begin to hear better things from me in the next couple of months.

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